I’m reading Bill Simmons’ book about the 2004 Sox, “Now I Can Die in Peace.” The book is just like his columns, only he doesn’t have to edit out the obscenities. My roommates must think I’m nuts because I can’t help laughing out loud every ten minutes.

In any case, Simmons makes an important point about New England: the necessary but not sufficient condition for claiming that you’ve been a New Englander is that you know the 1-800-54-GIANT jingle. There are no ways around this. For full certification, of course, you need to be able to identify “the Pike”, a frappe, “Quality, Comfort and Price…that’s nice!”, Bill Buckner, the Blizzard of ‘78 (whether you were, or like me, weren’t alive when it hit), Chappaquiddick, Old Sturbridge Village, tonic, and Rebecca Lobo. That’s really the bare minimum. If you’ve lived in Boston and don’t know what these words mean, there is a good chance you come from the NY metro area.

(The equivalent tests for other places I’ve lived:

Maine: I’d say being a Maine-iac requires four things. First, you pronounce room somewhere between “room” and “rum”. Second, you know Moosehead and Katahdin. Third, you’ve known at least one bearded old man Down East who heats his house with a wood stove and nothing else. Last, you know that, when cooking lobster, you should buy the guy live and let him run around your living room for an hour so that he’s too tired to try and climb out of the pot. I swear I am not making up these criteria.

Oregon: Go Pre Go, “Eggs are cheaper in the country…”, Powell’s, the Country Fair, the BCS West Coast Bias, spotted owls. The list for Oregon is short, because I confess to not being enough of an Oregonian to know a full list. “Eggs are cheaper in the country” is non-negotiable, however.

Virginia: OK, so I’ve only been here five weeks, and I’ve yet to see a seersucker or hear anyone call it “The War of Northern Aggression.”  That said, and as I’ve mentioned before, there are two NASCAR races here each year, and there is an entire street of Civil War memorials.  And I don’t mean to Lincoln and Grant.)